Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I think I just sharted jello shots
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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