and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
