I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
