i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
