so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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