Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
