Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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