now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
