help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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