between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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