you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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