Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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