you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
