Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
