You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
