I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
