nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
