I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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