I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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