We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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