i already hear my dad disowning me
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
