I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
