You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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