Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
