if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
