Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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