In the future we'll all be gay
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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