I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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