this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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