I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
