3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
