if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
