On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
