I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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