If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
