She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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