Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
should my penis look like a turkey
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
