She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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