i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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