Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
