she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
