I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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