you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
