im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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