Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
