i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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