You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
