My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Randomize
