well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
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