when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
