is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I'm having to shit out rocks
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
