My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
